The Funny Horoscope Is Here: What’s Santa Bringing You This Christmas, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

funny horoscope christmas santa zodiac

The Funny Zodiac is here! Let’s see what Santa is bringing you this year.

1. Aries: Another cat.

funny horoscope christmas santa zodiac

Santa knows you’ve wished for someone tall, smart, and sexy, but all he could get you was another cat. Also, he’s politely asking you to stop asking him for dates and try a dating app for a change.

2. Taurus: A unicorn.

funny horoscope christmas santa zodiac

For years, you’ve been asking Santa to get you a job that’s well paid, not at all stressful, that doesn’t require working overtime, so he’s giving you a unicorn that poops candy and rainbows. He’s sorry about that dream job, but that really is impossible.

3. Gemini: A six-pack.

funny horoscope christmas santa zodiac

You’ve asked Santa for a six-pack, and Santa will deliver! You are getting a six-pack of Bud Light, and Santa hopes that, unlike last Christmas, they’ll last you for more than 15 minutes.

4. Cancer: An unlimited supply of cookies.

funny horoscope christmas santa zodiac

You’ve been good this year, so Santa is bringing you an unlimited supply of cookies. Whenever you will open your nightstand drawer, it will be filled with an infinite variety of cookies to choose from. And you know what’s great about these cookies? They have zero calories and they are invisible to the cookie-stealers in your house.

5. Leo: The gift of being able to eat as much as you want without getting fat.

funny horoscope christmas santa zodiac

You’ve been so good this year, Santa is bringing you the present we all dream of. The ability to eat as much as you want without getting fat. And as a bonus, all the weight you’re not gaining goes straight on the hips and abs of your ex and his new “friend”.

6. Virgo: A puppy.

funny horoscope christmas santa zodiac

Santa knows you’ve been looking for someone who likes long walks, watching tv, and cuddling on the sofa with you. He’s getting you a puppy who does all that and on top of that, it gets all happy and excited when you arrive home. Enjoy your puppy! I hope you name him Mustard.

7. Libra: A self-cleaning house.

funny horoscope christmas santa zodiac

You’ve been so nice this year, Santa decided to give you a break and turn your house into a self-cleaning one. From now on, you no longer have to pick up socks, because they’ll just fly in the washing machine all on their own. The dirty dishes will just wash themselves, windows will be self-cleaning too, and once they’ve washed and dried themselves, all the clean clothes will go fold themselves in the closet.

8. Scorpio: Free coffee forever.

funny horoscope christmas santa zodiac

Santa saw how grumpy you get when you run out of coffee, so he decided to give you an unlimited supply of coffee, free of charge, for the rest of your life. All he asks is you have a cup every morning, because he’s seen you without it, and we don’t want that happening again.

9. Sagittarius: Unlimited free wine forever.

funny horoscope christmas santa zodiac

Santa has appreciated that you’ve refrained from posting sarcastic comments on your friends’ Facebook posts, so he’s decided to reward you with a special wine tap. It will be installed right near your living room couch, and whenever you turn it on, red wine will flow throw it.

10. Capricorn: One million dollars.

funny horoscope christmas santa zodiac

Santa has seen you work very hard the past year, so he’s decided to give you a million dollars, so you can finally take that trip out of space.

11. Aquarius: He's naming a pizza after you.

funny horoscope christmas santa zodiac

Santa has decided to give you a present you will really appreciate. He’s invented a special kind of pizza and he’s naming it after you. The toppings on your pizza are M&Ms, bacon, garlic, blue cheese, white chocolate, fries, and chili of course. You’re an inspiration to Santa!

12. Pisces: Peace and happiness.

funny horoscope christmas santa zodiac

This is kind of embarrassing, but since you’re the last on this list, Santa has run out of money, so he can only bring you peace, quiet, and happiness. Oops! It’s not something you can put under the Christmas tree, but I have a feeling that’s what you’ve wished for, anyway. Merry Christmas!

If you enjoyed the funny horoscope, check out this hilarious gallery next:

Animals Make Us Laugh

The Beauty Of Positive Thinking

Animals Make Us Laugh

Popular Posts

connect

We'd love to hear from you!